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Funny Quotes From My Name Is Earl
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Earl: I was gonna focus on quitting smoking. But it turns out quitting smoking is stressful. And when I'm stressed-out, I smoke.

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Earl: Donny Jones! Hey buddy we should uh catch up sometimes. You know, when I donít have to, or now
Earl: [voiceover] Have you ever heard the expression crazy eyes, well Donny had them
Donny Jones: Earl Hicky
Earl: Donny Jones
Donny Jones: You look good
Earl: You look good, look real good. What are those new pants?
Donny Jones: Nah I had them for a while
Earl: But still look new nice crease, I should get me a pair of those. Hard to find good pants Ha-ha
Donny Jones: So your brother and that little Mexican lady told me that you wanna talk to me about some sort of list
Earl: Did they now? All right good yeah, they can be very helpful. All right here is the deal Donny. I am on uh kind of uh mission. Wow these are long, and sharp huh
Donny Jones: Their my mom's, She likes to knit
Earl: Good for you sweet heart, Nice to have a hobby. Any way uh Donny, Iíve recently discovered karma, and Iíve written a list of all the bad things Iíve done in my life and I am trying to make up for them
Donny Jones: Iíve got now what you're going with that earl.
Earl: You do?
Donny Jones: Yeah! you had awakening same thing happening to me in the joint when I found Jesus
Earl: Wow
Donny Jones: nice huh? I also got Moses partin' the Red Sea on my bottom, you wanna see that?
Earl: No no may maybe later

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Donny: (Showing Earl the large cross with Jesus on it tatooed across his chest) Nice, HUH? (pauses) I also got Moses partin' the Red Sea on my bottom, wanna see that? (gets up, moving to drop trousers)
Earl: (emphatically)No, no, maybe later...

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Joy: (puts a gun on the counter)I'll take this.
Gun Store Owner: There's a three day waiting period for guns.
Joy: Three, my ass. Fine. What can I walk out with today that can kill somebody?
Gun Store Owner: Anything in aisle four.

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Earl: [voiceover] Quittin' smokin' is kinda like going to prison. If you can get through the first three days, you got a fighting chance. First we tried the tapes, then we tried the patches. Someone told us to try carrot sticks as a subsitute, but we couldn't get the damn things to light.

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(Talking about the poisoned cookies)
Earl: Those are poisoned.
Randy: How poisoned?

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Catalina: This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen.
Randy: How many have you seen?
Catalina: Five or so.

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(Dirk faked his death to break up with Natalie as well)
Earl: You faked your death too?!
Dirk: Yeah, thanks for the idea! I swear, I was about to paper-mache myself a noose and hang myself at a picnic!
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