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Funny Quotes From Family Guy
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Lois: Now kids, your father's just trying to spend time with his family. Or kill us. I'm not sure which.

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Peter: Let's play a game called Takin' the fall for Daddy If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license.
Meg: Really? Oh Daddy, now I love you again.
Peter: Oh, you're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife.

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Teacher: Well class, we WERE scheduled to watch a PBS Program on the mating rituals of the nude, large breasted Wewak Tribe of New Guinea. Unfortunately Megan Griffin ruined TV. So instead we're having a surprise test

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Tom Tucker: Well Diane, that last report was so good I think you deserve a spanking.
Diane: Oh Tom, I don't think your wife would appreciate that.
Tom: Haha, that frigid old cow lives in Quahog, she can't hear a word I'm saying.
Camera Guy: Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog.

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Kirk: Alright men, this is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr Spock, Doctor McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Ahh crap.

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Peter: Fox is running one of those new reality specials tonight. Fast Animals, Slow Children.

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Tom Tucker: Because of an accident today at the Quahog cable company, all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets, how about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people.

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Peter: Isn't "bribe" just another word for love?
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