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Funny Quotes From Father Ted
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TED: Would you like to go anywhere?
JACK: What?
TED: Would you like to go somewhere?
JACK: Who are you?
TED: I was just asking, would you like to go somewhere now that we're here? Would you like to go for a lovely walk?
JACK: I like cake!
TED: Yes, I, uh, think I'll just stop talking to Father Jack now.
JACK: Where am I? What's that in there? Are those my feet?

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TED: It's just - someone I know i-is dying.
ASSUMPTA: Oh, dear. Is it serious?!
TED: Oh, yes. In this case, the person dying is quite seriously ill.

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TED: All right. This is a long shot, but it's our only hope. I'm going to leave this paper and pencil here, and hopefully in the morning, God will have written down what we should do, okay?

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DOUGAL: I've never met a celebrity before.
TED: You've met the Pope.
DOUGAL: Did I?
TED: Don't you remember? When we were in Rome?
DOUGAL: That was the Pope? That fellow living in the art gallery?
TED: The Vatican, Dougal.
DOUGAL: All the same, I wouldn't say he's a celebrity, like in the true sense of the word, you know?
TED: The Pope is God's representative on earth, Dougal.
DOUGAL: You think he'd be taller.

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TED: Dougal, you know you can praise God with sleep?
DOUGAL: Can you, Ted?
TED: Yes. It's a way of thanking him for a tiring day.
DOUGAL: God, there's lots of ways you can praise God, isn't there, Ted? Like that time you told me to praise him by, you know, just leaving the room.
TED: That was a good one, yes.

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ASSUMPTA: Father Crilly was just telling us about your friend dying.
DOUGAL: Who's that, Ted?
TED: Um... oh, uh... Old Jim.
DOUGAL: Ah, is he dying? Poor Old Jim. He won't like that.

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TED: Did you bring the travel Scrabble, Dougal?
DOUGAL: I brought the normal Scrabble and the Travel Scrabble, Ted. The Travel Scrabble for when we were traveling, and the normal Scrabble for when we arrived.
TED: Good man.
DOUGAL: Ah, no. Uh, wait a minute. Now that I think of it, I didn't bring either of them.

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DOUGAL: Did you ever notice it's usually sick people who end up in hospitals?

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