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Funny Quotes From Father Ted
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Mary: (to John) You've a face like a pair o' tits!
John: At least that's one pair between us!

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Mrs Doyle: I'm so excited. Taking on three bishops all at once. I can't wait.

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Dougal: How did the sergeant catch Father Jack at all?
Ted: Well, Dougal. He's an elderly priest driving a Flymo at 2 miles per hour around the island. How hard could it be?

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Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.

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Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Dougal: Jack? Scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted!

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Dougal: Ted, will you look at this table. It's so dirty I could write me name in it.
Ted: (peering at table) There's a G in 'Dougal'.
Dougal: Where?

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Dougal: A one-word film. There can't be too many of those. Salem's Lot?

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Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...
...More drink!
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