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Funny Quotes From American Dad
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Hayley: Look, get this through your head, Avery. We are over. I'm with Jeff now.
Bullock: How dare you talk to me that way, you third-rate tart.
Stan: Uh... sir, she is my daughter.
Bullock: Silence, man-horse! This is between me and that filthy, cheap slut.

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Stan: With all due respect, sir, suck it up.
Bullock: You'll get your promotion, Smith. Just as soon as you do one last thing for me.
Stan: Oh, come on! I've picked up your laundry, I polished your shoes... I've done everything but bend over backwards for you, and my daughter did that, so I say we count it. What else could you possibly want me to do?
Bullock: Kill Jeff Fisher.

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Stan: I got the promotion, Francine!
Francine: Yes, but you lost my respect. You're not the man I married.
Stan: And you're not the man I married.
Francine: That doesn't make any sense.
Stan: It doesn't have to. I got a promotion!

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Stan: Are you familiar with a TV show called Fear Factor?
Jeff: Yeah?
Stan: Well, today you're going on a long car trip with Joe Rogan.
Joe Rogan: Ever do it with a stripper? They're some psycho bitches.
Stan: Get in, Jeff.
Jeff: No way! I am not spending an entire afternoon with this polarizing figure. I'm going home.
Stan: Jeff, wait! Do you realize what you just did? You stood up to me. Now you're the kind of man Hayley wants. Congratulations.
Joe Rogan: What are you guys, homos?
Stan: No.
Joe Rogan: (Sadly) Oh.

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Stan: What the hell do you think you're...
Hayley: Look, Avery called to apologize for what he said at the carnival. We met for coffee, and, well, I know it's crazy, but I like him. He challenges me. And besides, he has a huge...
Stan: Penis, I mean, Hayley! Damn it. I was trying to cut you off before you said...
Hayley: I was gonna say heart, but, well, you shined his shoes.

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Stan: Unbelievable. I'm this close to a promotion and our darling, little Squeeky Fromme decides to assassinate my career.
Klaus: You know, I wasn't sure about the Squeeky Fromme reference, but it's a smart joke and the fans have come to expect that from us.

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Hayley: Hey, if the whole CIA is at this carnival, who's out there undermining democracy?
Stan: The FBI pulls a double shift. Now, listen, when we get there, you better keep your Liberal pie hole shut! My promotion depends on it.
Francine: Honestly, Stan, what does Hayley have to do with you getting a promotion? It should be enough that you're really good at your job.
Stan: Yeah, it should. But we don't live in Shouldland. Ah, Shouldland, where clean-cut kids cruise Shouldland Boulevard, and the Shouldland High football team gets their optimistic asses kicked by their cross-town rival, Reality Check Tech.

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Francine: It's just a CIA carnival. Why are we folding napkins?
Stan: Because there'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans. (Picks up napkin) What the hell is this?
Roger: Metrosexual soccer icon, David Beckham. I can't do swans. I don't know why.
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