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Funny Quotes From American Dad
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Jeff: God, it's so beautiful out here. I want to weep.
Hayley: Yeah, look, Jeff, I have bad news. This is a breakup hike.
Jeff: What? But-but-but we're so good together!
Hayley: No, we're not. You never challenge me. You just always agree with me.
Jeff: You're right, I so do that. But I can change.
Hayley: No, you can't.
Jeff: You're right. Let's get married.
Hayley: Goodbye, Jeff.
Jeff: Good call, babe. You can do better.

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Hayley: Hello, Deputy Director Bullock. You're looking well.
Stan: Uh, sir, you-you remember Hayley, my, uh... son's sister.
Bullock: Of course, I'm surprised they let you through security. I guess those scanners can't detect half-baked, policitcal ideology, hmm?
(Stan laughs, forcefully)
Hayley: You're lucky. As a cockroach, you'll actually survive the nuclear war you're working so hard to incite.

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Hayley: Dad, do something!
Stan: (To waitress) So, what exactly is a frittata?
Hayley: Dad!
Stan: Hey, I'm hungry. This guy rode me like an animal for 3 hours! Do you have any idea what that's like?
(Pause, Hayley glares)
Stan: And now I'm not hungry.

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(As Fred leaves his office with a box of his stuff)
Stan: Hang in there, Fred. You're going to beat this.
Jackson: We're rooting for you, buddy.
Dick: Remember, "terminal, fatal, inoperable" - just words.
(Fred's elevator door closes, others rush into his office)
Jackson: Hole puncher is mine!
Dick: I got the stapler!
Jackson: Dibs on his medical marijuana!
Dick: Hey, Stan, don't you want some of Fred's stuff? It's not contagious.
Stan: Oh, I'm getting the biggest prize.
Jackson: His wife?
Stan: His job. I've been working Bullock for that promotion since Fred's first nosebleed.

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Bullock: Attention, everyone. Here are the invitations to the annual CIA family carnival. This is a top-secret gathering, so you'll want to memorize the time and location immediately -
Stan: Done! (Eats invitation)
Bullock: Because the invitations will self-destruct in three seconds.
(Everyone's invitations burn up and disintegrate)
Stan: (Coughs) Still better than my wife's cooking, eh? (Laughs, everyone leaves) I'm pooping blood tonight.

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TV Announcer: Watch Paris and Nicole debase themselves as they desperately cling to their last shred of stardom.

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Hayley: All you do is sit on your ass all day. You're such a loser!
Roger: (Gasps) I am not a loser! Hayley, you take that back!
Hayley: Okay, Roger, maybe I went too...
(Roger throws his drink in her face, they start fighting on the ground)
Stan: Hayley, what the hell's wrong with you?! Finish him! (Drops gun on the ground)
Francine: No, I just cleaned this carpet.

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Steve: Hey, dad, I need you to sign this permission slip. They're teaching sex education at school.
Stan: Hmm. Could you give us a moment, Steve? (Pulls lever, Steve falls through trap door)
Francine: What was that for?
Stan: He's only 14. I don't want some unionized pervert teaching my son about nature's filthy secret.
Francine: But, honey, Steve is at that age. And they're just trying to give him a little knowledge.
Stan: "They"? Who's "they"? The smut-peddling flag burners, or the God-killing tree huggers?
Steve: Tree huggers, I think!
Stan: Well, it's clear what must be done. We have to burn the school to the ground.
Francine: Stan!
Stan: Fine, fine, we'll talk to the principal.
(Francine leaves)
Stan: (Takes out his lighter) Soon, my pet. Soon I will feed you to the world.
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