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Funny Quotes From American Dad
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Roger: Is it true? Were there really seven people at the book signing?
Stan: (Sighs) Yes.
Roger: Oh, my God, it's happening for me. I'm almost a star. Oh, there's my cell phone! Oh, my God, it's Johnny Depp. ("Answering" cell phone) Depp-ster, what's shakin'?
Klaus: That's not a cell phone. That's a bar of soap you painted black.
Roger: Yeah, hang on, J.D. Watch it, Klaus, or I'm gonna cram this bad boy 20,000 leagues up your butt.

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Roger: (Enters Steve's room) You bastard! Roger the clumsy alien? Roger who sips his silly juice and goes on delusional rants? And it's not silly juice. It's necessary juice. (Throws book on floor) Watch your back. (Walks into door) Ouch. Oh, that ouchies. Ouchies. Ouch. (Leaves)
Hayley: (Enters Steve's room) You bastard! Thanks to you, Dad spent all my college money buying you Dr. Seuss' first typewriter. (Leaves)
Francine: (Enters Steve's room) You bastard! That's what I said to my old, ugly hairdo.

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Steve: Now do I get to meet that centerfold?
Stan: No, I just said that to motivate you so you'd carry me to the top.
Steve: Dad, I can't believe you lied to me.
Stan: Really? Huh. That's... that's kinda my whole bit.

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Stan: Stop this nonsense, Steve.
Kevin: Dude, his name is "S" now. And S does what S wants.
Steve: And S wants to C.L.T.D.F.H.C.
Snot: "Cut loose the dead weight from his coattails."
Barry: There should be a "W" in there.
Steve: Get in the trunk, Barry.

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Francine: Stan, help me. I've been faking an affair to impress the Ladybugs, and they found out I was lying, and now they're trying to kill me!
Stan: A cult of muderous housewives. Before 9/11, I wouldn't have believed it, or at least I'd ask you some follow-up questions. But that's just not the world we live in anymore.

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Bullock: Smith, I have a mission for you, the most exciting mission of your career.
Stan: Sorry, sir, it wouldn't be responsible to take risks now that I have someone who depends on me.
Bullock: Your family?
Stan: Sure, sure, send them.

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Steve: (In Hayley's closet) Let me out or I'll rip up all your clothes!
Hayley: Go ahead! If you haven't noticed, I only wear this one outfit.

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(In the janitor's closet)
Valet: Please don't tell my boss, ma'am. I really need this job. I am so poor, I cannot even afford pants with a zipper that stays up.
(Chicken jumps on Francine's head)
Valet: And please don't tell anyone that we have cockfights in here.
Francine: Well, your **** really did a number on my hair.
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