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Funny Quotes From American Dad
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Jeff: Hey, I just hope one day, I, too, have a daughter who's as smart and wonderful as Hayley.
Francine: Aww... isn't he sweet, Stan?
Stan: He sure is. Next time I'm out of Jolly Ranchers, I'm just gonna suck on Jeff.

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(Hayley brings a guy a beer)
Man: Hey, waitress! Bring me another beer.
Hayley: But I just brought you one.
Man: Yeah, this one's to drown my crabs. (Pours beer down his pants)

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Hayley: Dad, I've never seen this side of you, it's so sweet.
Stan: (In playful voice) Well, if you tell anybody, I'll kill you. (Both laugh) I'm serious, I will kill you... I will reach into your chest, pull out your beating heart, and eat it; all of it. Every last bit... well, sweet dreams, angel.

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Stan: (Wearing a moustache) Good day, ma'am. I'm a friend of your child. He or she has asked me to take you to a wonderful retirement home.
Old Lady: How lovely.
Stan: (Takes her inside an SUV) Right in here, ma'am.
Old Lady: Oh. You're such a nice, young...
(Stan shuts car door, drives off in his own car)
Old Lady: Hello? Am I supposed to vote now?

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Bill Pullman: Has your lost one's memory been irretrievably lost? Hi. I'm forgettable actor Bill Pullman. You might not remember me from such movies as While You Were Sleeping and Twister. Wait, was I in Twister? No. No, that was Bill Paxton. See? Memory can be pretty tricky. So that's why if you tell your loved one what's happened to them, their brain will implode. Good luck. I'm Bill Pullman. Oh, oh, I was also in Independence D -
Stan: (Turning off video) Jeff Daniels is right.

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Jewel: You're like Russell Crowe, and I'm Jennifer Connelly.
Roger: Yeah. Yeah, you're Jennifer Connelly.

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CIA Temp: (After incorrectly brainwashing Francine) Oh... I guess this is the dial for hours, and this is the dial for years. Yeah, yeah.

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Stan: This midnight fishing is great.
Bullock: Sounds to me like someone doesn't want to go home.
Stan: Yeah, I'm, uh, laying low. Today is the anniversary of a huge fight me and Francine got into last year.
Jackson: Yeah? What about?
Stan: Oh, I forgot our anniversary. Huh! I'm never gonna do that again. (Takes a couple sips from his beer and casts his fishing line) Aaaaah!
Bullock: There it is.
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